I don’t remember a time before the dark circles under my eyes became a permanent fixture. The last day I didn’t cry was somewhere in January. Most days just passed by without me taking much notice of changing seasons, news, life outside, friends…
When you hear news as bad as ours you kind of expect to hear from your friends or family – even if it was just a message on Facebook – especially if you begged everyone on Facebook to share your “Help me find a surrogate” posts.
To this day, not 1 of my more than 20 cousins have contacted me. I have written my family off. If family cannot be there for you when you need them most (and for the first time ever), then you are better off without them. I will never see them again. I will forever remember the lack of support.
I went as far to write them a public Facebook post to ask them why they did not contact me and tagged them. There is NO EXCUSE good enough after that.
My so-called best friend since 14, also magically disappeared after I shared the news with her in January. By end April I called her out on not being supportive or even attempting to contact me. Her reply was “I still want another kid and was scared that you might ask me to be a surrogate”.
I heard you gasp.
I ended that friendship. I also made sure I removed and blocked every person that never made the effort to just send a “thinking of you” or ANY message. Unfortunately I also had to let go of my best Joburg friend – because she fell pregnant.
Yes, I let go of a friend just because she got pregnant. I had to. This was the worst thing for me to hear. 3 months of trying and there we go, baby on the way. I knew that she cared about what happened to me, but I also knew that I would not be able to stay sane while sharing in her happiness.
My old life and relationships ended. I have no family other than my parents and sister. I barely have friends left. I no longer look at people and think they might care for anyone other than themselves.
I know my husband has to put up with all of this, but I still do not think he realises the severity of my depression.