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When an embryo fragments…

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I have been in for close to 12 aspirations and abandoned cycles more than double that. It hasn’t gotten any easier.

On 2 Feb I went in again. I woke up to good news, a smiling husband and Dr Clark that found 1 more.

Then the wait started to hear about progress… the fertilized egg survived and became a 4 cell embryo and then the wheels came off. By day 6, which is extremely late, it only started splitting into a 6 cell… but then it started to fragment.

My embryo was too badly fragmented to be frozen. It was so close and then it just slipped away.
I know it is hard to understand that I would be sad about losing a barely there embryo, but for me to even have found one again is a miracle. To lose it, is devastating because there might never be another. I don’t have the luxury of time or oodles of eggs. I don’t even have a working womb.
After each of my embryos my period starts within 2 weeks again – and it is bad. Last time I was in so much pain I ended up in hospital with pain medication pumping into my veins.
This time I woke up feeling like my left ovary was swollen, my back ripped apart and my abdomen one big ball of pain. I have taken 2 Gen-Payne before breakfast, another 2 for lunch,  4 Tramacet and a Gen-Payne for dinner and the pain is still there 3 days later. I would describe it as a 9 out of 10 – and my pain tolerance is exceptionally high. Before being numbed by painkillers I was standing at a pain level of 20 out of 10.
Then just to top it all off, I will have massive blood loss thanks to the endometriosis thinking it should take revenge. I will literally be drained from all iron in my body.
Next time you tuck your kids into bed, think of the women like me that goes through hell just to have their own kids. 
In 2 months we will do this again. There will be more injections in my stomach and we will hope that something will happen, but the reality is that there is a 99% chance that there will be nothing. I don’t know why I just can’t give up, maybe it is the stubborn streak I have or maybe it is that I don’t understand the term.
I will have kids – plural. I will.

I am a Johannesburg based freelance writer, social media manager - and of course share bits from my life with you on this blog. We have 2 kids through surrogacy and 3 black cats.

1 Comment

  1. gerhardamandanel Reply

    I have a friend who had 12 miscarriages and she has not lost hope yet either. Best of luck and I will be praying for you too.

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